My Stream of Conscious
Photo by Wilhelm Gunkel on Unsplash
My energy, attitude and character must all be directed by something greater than myself. My worry, anxious thoughts or concern mustn’t breed into any kind of pride or self reliance. I am not independent of weakness, but I don’t have to hold myself back for anything less than I wake and try, then wake up again and try once more.
My resilience has nothing to do with what I do. Just like as I map out my life, it has little to do with event and everything to do with heart. Inspiration doesn’t always come from action, but rather spirit and perspective. There is a running source of life within that flows and connects me through out. In life and manner, I can venture forth into the unknown and not be afraid of what’s to come because ultimately it will all be timely and I will have adjusted in a way that makes the next day stronger.
Even when I don’t feel stronger and I am wrought with random thoughts in the night, I can still look up and visualize a new color on the wall. I don’t need sunlight to feel the warmth of the sun. I can find friendship within the most random hour. There is kindness within a shadow. No matter what, I am not without light. Because light is more than a constructed image I have in my head.
I can learn to see in the dark, walk in the dark, find hope within darkness. The darkness I walk so parallel and close with at times is not always an enemy, but a shade and a side. It’s part of, but not all of. I am not frail, but I am not strong. And the rescue I seek comes from the process of taking more steps even still.
More steps and time and choices without fear. Instead to utter in faith, in words beyond my own. A problem is only really as big as I think, though I justify and tend to have eyes that are bigger than my stomach, it doesn’t impact anything but result. But results that I can change because I have more control than I think. Don’t take another bite. Not everything ends in disaster.
And in the end, it isn’t darkness that I fear, but rather absence and emptiness for what this “darkness” may represent. For light and darkness are a construct, but what my mind really struggles with is far greater than an image of day and night. It’s a lesson within the growing. The journey I must walk through without escape.
All in hope that it isn’t about my 2am thoughts at all, but rather facing fears that only I can face in the moments that matter. It doesn’t matter the time or place, just that I step into the ring at the appointed time. No question or doubt. Nothing personal or anything else. Just muscle, wit and a humility that shakes off any idea of defeat.
